There is and has always has been something deep down inside of me the hates goodbyes, ending whistles, final conclusions, separations, and the like. How do you handle these things?
I once sat in the back of a car, the crickets filled the night air with sound. Senior prom night was everything I hoped it would be and now the icing on the cake with the girl of dreams. She moves in close to me, flashes a loving smile and I know what that mean, but I freeze. Thoughts fill my mind: This might be the last.., college, the future, the past, fears, uncertainties, every thought but the present. Anxiety grips me and doesn't let go. I shut down.
I once stood in a shadowed room trying to catch my breath. The walls were closing in around me not as if they were going to trap me in but like they were all going to fall down and leaving me all alone. My vision was narrowing and I knew I wouldn't see happiness beyond the next moments. I knew this place had always to be so full with people and activity, but now it wasn't. I fought back the tears that I knew were coming. My whole body shook with anxiety. No! I wanted to scream. This can't be the last time I stand here! This is mine! My comfort zone! My identity is wrapped up in this place. No!
Another time: I hustle around my hut in the jungle packing my belongings frantically. So many things seem to say, "Take me!" or "You know you can't live without me." I know I have limited time and limited space. Each time I pass by my front door, I see their faces. They know better than me about what is happening. A rush of emotions washes over me. This is the end and it is time to leave. Logical thinking is quickly displaced by the emotional realities I am facing. My thoughts race: My identity is here. This is my house. I've learned the language, gained the people's trust, I've carried their sick and tended their wounds. I've lived along side them. I help on their farms. They're winning my heart. Isn't there more to this story? I look up and realize my bags are packed and I slowly cross the threshold as my heart begins to break. As my feet touched the dirt, I can hold nothing else in. If only my tears could say what I feel inside. I wish there was a time for this.
Life's doors weren't meant to be closed.
Memories are too strong and the heart, it seems to always long.
Daily life and routine may move forward but the daydreams tend to always look backward.
The places I go, the things I usually see, they have a way of making me, me.
I expected I would have done so much more, but now my experience leaves my feeling so poor.
Can't I say stop! and just step off the ride. or press pause on this movie and just close my eyes.
I fear it doesn't get any better, so lets do me a favor and not cut this tether.
You see I'm comfortable here, change and the future I can't see them so clear.
Who will be with me as I go, I can't imagine meeting the smallest changes alone.
Is it abandonment or lonesomeness I dread? Is this the reason anxiety fills my head?
I don't want this in my heart, this demanding and anger is tearing me apart.
Is there a way to meet the ending, and be content with a new beginning?
And just then....
My good Friend says, "Be anxious for nothing", and I the message so slowly receive.
How can I?! "But in everything by prayer", Good, that means my Friend will be there.
"with thanksgiving, let your request be made known to God", have I just been complaining about this path I'm on.
"and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding" Aww! Peace! That's what I have been missing.
"will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus" the protection I need and the name that frees us.
But I'm not even going through life changes right now. Some of my friends are though. so I guess by writing this I just hope to remind myself of how it feeling to see everything around you change. All the expectations for the future can be hard to handle, but they're better left surrender to God.
